Stories From A Girl Who Lost Herself In Her Own Disorders

I’ve struggled with Multiple disorders such as generalized anxiety, Borderline Personality disorder, Major depression, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder and Disordered Eating. I wanted to create a place where I can speak about my experiences and hopefully create more awareness around these disorders. I plan on discussing stigmas, society’s role in mental health and the media due to their role and influence in today’s world and the lack of awareness around it. My hope is that I can make someone who feels alone or misunderstood..finally feel like they aren’t anymore and that someone out there gets it. We all need validation and I’m here to tell you that your feelings are indeed valid and no, you aren’t crazy.

No one’s Perfect

To love

Finding acceptance and love in the mix of a storm is difficult..but it’s the first step towards happiness. I’ve struggle with mental illness, an eating disorder and trauma..but I grew so tired of hating myself that I took a step back and tried to appreciate my own body. Being aware of the fact that you are judging yourself harshly is the first step. Once you get that awareness you can start to rewire your brain. Next, are these thoughts rational? Is it rational that I wish to be thinner than a stick? HELL NO!!! Okay, now what is rational? My body is a temple…I must feed it and nourish it so it can strive. You have to realize you can’t change everything and sometimes…things AREN’T meant to change. On the final day of my eating disorder I wrote down “you don’t deserve to be punished, you deserve to be nourished” and I live by that every single day. So find a quote or write words down that will keep you in this reality where you are beautiful. You can do this, I believe in you. We waste so much energy hating ourselves that we miss out on how beautiful we are. Find your beauty and hold onto it…and never let it go because you finally know the truth.

Finding comfort

We all are in search of comfort, whether it’s in the arms of a lover or in the comfort of our demons. Some find comfort in their addictions, but regardless of what it is, we all need it. Danger isn’t in our vocabulary, when we hear it, it echos in our head like a foreign language we just can’t seem to comprehend. When faced with letting go of our comforts, it can trigger a sense of loneliness that follows us everywhere we go. As time goes by and our comforts are long gone, that loneliness lingers and we begin to crave it’s presence once again. From triggers to acting out the behaviors again, desperately trying to regain what we have lost. Easy isn’t in letting go’s vocabulary..

The fog

After being in social and physical isolation for months, I’ve finally come to grips to the fact that I need to talk to the people closest to me and get out of the house and more importantly stop justifying it. I know that its easier for me to say that than me doing it but I cannot get out of this fog if I dont start being a human being and being social and leaving the house..what was the longest time you didn’t socialize and isolated?

Dont look at me

You know those times where you just start to isolate and you don’t always notice because you justify it. I personally have been justifying me isolating by saying “I’ve been playing with my brand new game thats why I dont talk to anyone anymore” but I’m spending over 8 hours playing the sims.Almost everyday..thats not being a gamer thats isolating..and I’ve been searching for reasons why. Maybe its because I dont want anyone to see me..maybe it’s because I’m sad..maybe im scared of being judged. Only thing I can think of to say is..Please dont look at me..

Anger

Anger, The most obvious and sneaky emotion that we all know too well. We all have our triggers but although we’re all different, our triggers tend to all be the same and even when they seem so different, they all stem from the same thing. From feeling disrespected, invalidated or being rejected, these three things are at the core of our anger. Situations that could or do make us feel one of those 3 things spark anger. So what angers you? Ask yourself next “does this anger me because it’s disrespectful to myself or others?”Does it make me feel invalidated?” and lastly “Does this make me feel rejected or excluded?”. Being aware and mindful of what is the cause of the anger can help with managing our emotions and properly communicating how we feel and what we need.

Sleepless Nights

Ever have those nights where you’ve been sleeping so well that you almost forget what its like not to sleep like that? Those nights where you start to take it for granted then BOOM! Its a sleepless night. It hits you so hard because for days and weeks and months you’ve finally been sleeping GREAT and you start to believe this is your reality until reality actually catches up with you. This is because its a constant battle and even when you think you’ve won..reality brings you back because once you think you’ve won then you let down your shield and become vulnerable. Once you stop fighting the battle you lose the battle. I take a prescription sleeping medication, a medication for my fibromyalgia and sleep, a medication for my moods that is ALSO for sleep and a mood stabilizer that ALSO is for sleep..if one stops working or being affective…my sleep is affected moderately to severely. Having fibromyalgia and sleeping problems since I was born…plus my moms genes its no wonder why I can’t sleep. Whatever reasons there are IF there are any..it never changes the fact how goddamn miserable it is to not be able to sleep especially when you want to. I LOVE to sleep..I need it so much that If i dont sleep the next day I’ll get so emotionally unstable ill either be sent to the hospital for an psychological evaluation or something of that sorts..sleep is so important in my treatment plan because of how extremely negatively it affects my moods and brain. Its one thing to be crumpy and sluggish..it’s another to become psychotic or suicidal…which is why advocating is so important. Im apparently having a sleepless night tonight..I hope that changes soon.

Depression: When you’re just done.

WaterYourMind

“ What people never understand is that depression isn’t about the outside; It’s about the inside.” – Jasmine Warga.

If you’re reading this and you’re struggling, this is for you.

When we are at rock bottom we don’t have any energy for anything. We feel addicted to being sad and the sadness will creep up on you. It’s like one second you’re happy and the next second you feel guilty for even smiling. Why does it all feel hopeless? When you go out with friends all you really want to do is be home in bed. You feel like you’re drowning and everyone around you is breathing and living life to the fullest. No one understands you at all. All we ever hear is

“Think good thoughts.” – “Just be positive.” – “It’s in the past” as if these words would help. We feel like we are being suffocated by…

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Anxious

Generalized Anxiety Disorder, The constant intense worrying about a multitude of things. “What are you worried about?” Well let’s see..money, family, my job, my days ahead, classwork, grades, my body, my weight, sounds, the world falling apart, my friendships, friends leaving, potential love interest leaving, my financial and physical well-being, food, being rejected, being unwanted, unloved, useless, a disappointment, my appearance, the paranormal, being haunted, someone breaking in, being hurt physically or emotionally by someone, being assaulted..do you need to be somewhere? I can stop if you have to go or something. I’ll just boil it down to I’m worried about EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING to the point of daily interference with my LIFE. Oh, did I mention my extreme phobia of insects that basically controls my life during spring and summer? Also, I can’t stop worrying. “There’s no need to be worried, everything’s going to be okay” I think that’s like everyone’s go to line and one of the most UNHELPFUL and ANNOYING thing’s that could ever be said to anyone who struggles with mental health. The world is falling apart..”Oh, everything’s going to be okay just breathe” see unhelpful. Case closed..Mic dropped…Ari has left the chat.

Borderline Personality Disorder

I have what’s called outward Borderline personality disorder which means my symptoms are very noticeable and you can witness them. For example, when my moods start to swing you can see that I’m mad and I’ll act out and show how intensely mad I am. A split second later when my mood swings again, youll watch my moods switch. I don’t just deal with mood swings but I also have dealt with alot of the other symptoms like unstable self identify, switching between extreme idolization and resentfulness in personal relationships, constant need of reassurance, impulsive self destructive behaviors or unsafe behaviors, extreme fear of real or imagined abandonment and practically all of the diagnostic criteria to some level. It has taken me 4 years of dbt based therapy and consistent practice with medication to get to where I am now. I’ve managed my symptoms to the point where I don’t meet full criteria for a diagnosis because of the symptoms I do still deal with, I only deal with them to a small degree. For example, in classes, I struggle to do my classwork and test because I constantly need reassurance that I’m doing it right no matter what it is and when I don’t or can’t get that reassurance, I shut down completely. If I don’t use my skills like distress tolerance or one of the core mindfulness skills my moods can start to swing or more commonly lately, I’ll get extremely anxious or irritable. Mental illness may not go away but it can be managed in such a way that it will be almost like it isn’t there anymore but the minute you stop managing it, it’ll come back and remind you “hey, I’m still here” so constant practice of those skills that have been taught to you is so crucial in treatment and life so don’t give up. At the beginning of my journey, I was so submerged into my emotions and in dbt what’s called “emotion mind” that I actually don’t remember a lot of things from that period of time which is common. My moods would change in a blink of an eye and they were explosive. What makes me so sad to think about is how I never planned or looked towards the future to the point of when I did it was a white out and this was because I planned on killing myself when I turned 18. I am now 18 and almost 7 months into being 18 and I don’t have a single suicidal thought. I don’t cut anymore and I haven’t had a suicidal thought in almost a year maybe more. I never could see a future for myself and now here I am, entering the future and creating so many opportunities for myself and I’m enrolled in Beauty and Business school for August 6th. I’m alive and thriving and that’s all I could ever ask for, for myself. Don’t give up on the life you want and wish to have, but also realize nothing comes easy. I strongly believe in DBT and I actually hate talk therapy because I find it so unhelpful because talk therapy is you talking and them validating you which is good sometimes but long term its unhelpful. Validation is crucial but learning and developing real skills that you can apply to your life and apply to help you manage your mental health is life changing. Only you hold the key to your own happiness and well being, therapist are just there to provide you with the skills you need in order to find and use the key.