Stories From A Girl Who Lost Herself In Her Own Disorders

I’ve struggled with Multiple disorders such as generalized anxiety, Borderline Personality disorder, Major depression, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder and Disordered Eating. I wanted to create a place where I can speak about my experiences and hopefully create more awareness around these disorders. I plan on discussing stigmas, society’s role in mental health and the media due to their role and influence in today’s world and the lack of awareness around it. My hope is that I can make someone who feels alone or misunderstood..finally feel like they aren’t anymore and that someone out there gets it. We all need validation and I’m here to tell you that your feelings are indeed valid and no, you aren’t crazy.

No one’s Perfect

Prove Me Wrong

I’ve found that in my love life, I’m always right. My irrational fears that STEM FROM EXPERIENCE not purely thin air, are always correct. Yes, I know that from always thinking what happened last time will happen again, I’m putting that vibe into the world and attracting it. The whole “If you think positive, positive things will happen”. Hear me out though, even when I stop thinking like that..IT HAPPENS. I tried online dating, went on a few dates, talked to some guys and what I noticed is guys telling me “I like you” and “I wanna kiss you and hold you close” Literally 1-5 minutes after starting a conversation with me. That is wrong on so many levels..anyone ever see online dating horror stories??? Firstly, you don’t know anything about me..I could be a serial killer or fishing for money. Secondly, you can’t make an informed decision on how you feel about me from talking to me through text in 5 minutes..I’m not saying love at first SIGHT..key word there..SIGHT not TEXT MESSAGE is real..I’m saying that love at first “Hi” isn’t real. Thirdly, there is a thing called catfishing and LYING…I don’t think I need to say anything more about that. So, now that we got that out of the way I’ll get into my bullshit. Everytime a guy messages me saying he likes me my automatic response is y o u don’t k n o w ME. It’s then we get into my thought processing..he’ll start stating that he knows me and he knows this and this and I’m like…anyone who talks to me for 5 minutes knows that honey you ain’t special and that proves nothing. “You don’t know me, therefore you can’t like me. Until you can write a paragraph about my life that you can’t get out of me in 5 minutes you don’t like me. You like the idea of me or the idea of liking me. You may want to like me but you don’t. It’ll go away, I promise.” What ends up happening is either that’ll be end of it or time will go by and we’ll hang out and possibly go on a date and makeout and the conversation continues. “You’re going to realize you don’t know me and you’ll leave” No one proves me wrong haha. This is just a small slice of all my warnings and conversations there’s alot of them because It’s the truth and they always tell me “you’re right, I dont know you and Im sorry” everytime. I know this was a rambling post but I just needed to let it all out and put out into the world PLEASE..SOMEONE PROVE ME WRONG.

Why I can’t let you love me

  1. I’m always right and no one ever proves me wrong
  2. I don’t trust easily
  3. I hold myself back emotionally and physically so loving you won’t come easily
  4. That feeling you are feeling…won’t last then you’ll either fight to get it back or just leave me
  5. There’s so many sides of me..what if you can only love one?
  6. I’ll push you away time after time after time
  7. I don’t love myself..why should you love me?
  8. I’ll hurt you
  9. I’m afraid of being loved
  10. My mind is fucked up and I constantly try to fix people
  11. I’m not skinny
  12. I’m not pretty
  13. I’m not happy 88% of the time
  14. Can you love someone like that?

Depression

You’re the unwanted plus 1 where ever I go, You’re the reason I feel so alone, You’re the storm that leaves nothing untouched, why can’t I escape your deadly touch. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, you linger around like a deepening sickness, you’re not wanted here but that’s your power. You go against our desires, you know you’re not wanted here so that’s when you grab the steering-wheel, we’re vulnerable now, you can see it, you smell it and you breathe it in like a breath of fresh air, it’s time now to stir up hell, you whisper in our ear “I’m home now”

Saying No

Incredibly accurate

Guide to a Healthy Mind

begin to say no unapologetically. you always come first, and sometimes that means stepping back from what others may ask of you. you are not honouring yourself and your needs when you do not follow your desire to say no, which can lead to regret and resentful feelings. this can turn into a circle of negative self-talk.

sometimes we find ourselves involved in activities or amongst people that take our energy away, do not inspire joy or stimulate creativity. you have every right to follow what your energy is telling you. a good way of saying no is to begin to answer with ‘could you give me some time to think about it?’ rather than diving straight into an answer. this gives you time to tap into what you feel from the situation and whether or not you will grow from taking part.

it’s okay stay in and look after…

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Disconnect

By 2021, there will be an estimated 3.02 billion monthly active social media.. to put this into perspective that’s around a third of Earth’s entire population. That’s slightly alarming if you ask me. Why, you may ask..I’ll tell you. Social media’s whole foundation is “keeping you connected”, you can stay connected with people all around the world..oh yay. Yes, it can be useful to be able to see pictures of family in another country or state but I want you to ask yourself something. How many hours do you think you spend staring at your phone or computer screen? As of 2018, a study has shown that adults spend more than 11 hours PER DAY on social media. I don’t even want to know the number of hours a teen spends on social media. We spend so much time looking down at our phones or screens that we don’t spend time with the people around us. That’s 11 hours disconnecting from the people surrounding us. We as a society have NEVER been more disconnected in our entire existence. We have started to base our self worth off of how many likes or comments we get, how many followers we have or friends we have on social media. That’s just unacceptable. You know how when we’re on social media, the page never ends? The infinite scroll, well the creator of the infinite scroll absolutely hates himself for creating it because since the page never ends you don’t have anything telling you to stop. So, you just keep scrolling and scrolling and wasting so much valuable time. I have a theory which may be far from the truth or 100% onto something. My theory is because we spend so much time talking over social media and on our phones, decreasing human interaction, we’re starting to evolve and our brains are changing for the worst; Human interaction deals with conversations and discussion between people. A facilitator delivering a lecture to a group of students in a classroom where emotions, touch and feel are primary components being fulfilled, is a perfect example of Human Interaction. (https://www.thehansindia.com/posts/index/Young-Hans/2018-06-11/The-importance-of-Human-Interaction/388183) I think as a result of this, we’re starting to see people struggle with human interaction and an increase in mental health issues especially for those at risk of developing certain disorders. Social media has become an addiction and unfortunately that’s not a comparison..there have been studies done to see what happens in the brain when our phones go off and or when we’re using social media. They found that Dopamine get’s released and when we can’t use our phones, we become distressed. I’ll insert a link that talks about dopamine and addiction (https://www.helpguide.org/harvard/how-addiction-hijacks-the-brain.htm/) Like most addictions, it won’t be easy to cut down on our phone and social media use but we need to start becoming more self aware because once we are aware of our actions we can start to change them. Social media isn’t going anywhere but one day..the people you love and care about won’t be here anymore so spend what little time we have on this earth with them instead of staring at your screen. #Offline