Stories From A Girl Who Lost Herself In Her Own Disorders

I’ve struggled with Multiple disorders such as generalized anxiety, Borderline Personality disorder, Major depression, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder and Disordered Eating. I wanted to create a place where I can speak about my experiences and hopefully create more awareness around these disorders. I plan on discussing stigmas, society’s role in mental health and the media due to their role and influence in today’s world and the lack of awareness around it. My hope is that I can make someone who feels alone or misunderstood..finally feel like they aren’t anymore and that someone out there gets it. We all need validation and I’m here to tell you that your feelings are indeed valid and no, you aren’t crazy.

No one’s Perfect

To love

Finding acceptance and love in the mix of a storm is difficult..but it’s the first step towards happiness. I’ve struggle with mental illness, an eating disorder and trauma..but I grew so tired of hating myself that I took a step back and tried to appreciate my own body. Being aware of the fact that you are judging yourself harshly is the first step. Once you get that awareness you can start to rewire your brain. Next, are these thoughts rational? Is it rational that I wish to be thinner than a stick? HELL NO!!! Okay, now what is rational? My body is a temple…I must feed it and nourish it so it can strive. You have to realize you can’t change everything and sometimes…things AREN’T meant to change. On the final day of my eating disorder I wrote down “you don’t deserve to be punished, you deserve to be nourished” and I live by that every single day. So find a quote or write words down that will keep you in this reality where you are beautiful. You can do this, I believe in you. We waste so much energy hating ourselves that we miss out on how beautiful we are. Find your beauty and hold onto it…and never let it go because you finally know the truth.

Finding comfort

We all are in search of comfort, whether it’s in the arms of a lover or in the comfort of our demons. Some find comfort in their addictions, but regardless of what it is, we all need it. Danger isn’t in our vocabulary, when we hear it, it echos in our head like a foreign language we just can’t seem to comprehend. When faced with letting go of our comforts, it can trigger a sense of loneliness that follows us everywhere we go. As time goes by and our comforts are long gone, that loneliness lingers and we begin to crave it’s presence once again. From triggers to acting out the behaviors again, desperately trying to regain what we have lost. Easy isn’t in letting go’s vocabulary..

The fog

After being in social and physical isolation for months, I’ve finally come to grips to the fact that I need to talk to the people closest to me and get out of the house and more importantly stop justifying it. I know that its easier for me to say that than me doing it but I cannot get out of this fog if I dont start being a human being and being social and leaving the house..what was the longest time you didn’t socialize and isolated?

Dont look at me

You know those times where you just start to isolate and you don’t always notice because you justify it. I personally have been justifying me isolating by saying “I’ve been playing with my brand new game thats why I dont talk to anyone anymore” but I’m spending over 8 hours playing the sims.Almost everyday..thats not being a gamer thats isolating..and I’ve been searching for reasons why. Maybe its because I dont want anyone to see me..maybe it’s because I’m sad..maybe im scared of being judged. Only thing I can think of to say is..Please dont look at me..

Anger

Anger, The most obvious and sneaky emotion that we all know too well. We all have our triggers but although we’re all different, our triggers tend to all be the same and even when they seem so different, they all stem from the same thing. From feeling disrespected, invalidated or being rejected, these three things are at the core of our anger. Situations that could or do make us feel one of those 3 things spark anger. So what angers you? Ask yourself next “does this anger me because it’s disrespectful to myself or others?”Does it make me feel invalidated?” and lastly “Does this make me feel rejected or excluded?”. Being aware and mindful of what is the cause of the anger can help with managing our emotions and properly communicating how we feel and what we need.

Sleepless Nights

Ever have those nights where you’ve been sleeping so well that you almost forget what its like not to sleep like that? Those nights where you start to take it for granted then BOOM! Its a sleepless night. It hits you so hard because for days and weeks and months you’ve finally been sleeping GREAT and you start to believe this is your reality until reality actually catches up with you. This is because its a constant battle and even when you think you’ve won..reality brings you back because once you think you’ve won then you let down your shield and become vulnerable. Once you stop fighting the battle you lose the battle. I take a prescription sleeping medication, a medication for my fibromyalgia and sleep, a medication for my moods that is ALSO for sleep and a mood stabilizer that ALSO is for sleep..if one stops working or being affective…my sleep is affected moderately to severely. Having fibromyalgia and sleeping problems since I was born…plus my moms genes its no wonder why I can’t sleep. Whatever reasons there are IF there are any..it never changes the fact how goddamn miserable it is to not be able to sleep especially when you want to. I LOVE to sleep..I need it so much that If i dont sleep the next day I’ll get so emotionally unstable ill either be sent to the hospital for an psychological evaluation or something of that sorts..sleep is so important in my treatment plan because of how extremely negatively it affects my moods and brain. Its one thing to be crumpy and sluggish..it’s another to become psychotic or suicidal…which is why advocating is so important. Im apparently having a sleepless night tonight..I hope that changes soon.